Breaking News: Fifth Grade Accusation by Annonymous Source

Breaking news. Once I heard this I have to confess that I now must rethink my support for Judge Kavanaugh. It has sadly come to my attention that Judge Kavanaugh when he was a boy in fifth grade was reported to have chewed gum. And you rigid conservatives will no doubt object that this was reported by an anonymous source. Certainly the shame of such a thing will keep the virgin voice silent. It will only come out for such a time as this---when such a revelation is truly needed for the sake of our country. This is why Congress, in their great magisterial zeal, has decided this taint of character must demand a hearing. Certainly all the unprejudiced will applaud and hail all the senators who called for this. To get at such a damning accusation, it goes without saying, is of the most urgent necessity. This revelation has, of course, altered my own loyalties to this man---never mind the powers that be had to go back in this man's personal history to his fifth grade crimes, never mind the reporting of this breech of character took so many decades and was politically opportunistic in its airing, never mind we live now in a cultural context where mutilating one's own body incurs with it less rebuke---even encouragement---than the misdemeanor of chewing gum. Never mind we expose innocence by drag queens for the sake of our diversity mantra. Never mind we seek as our litmus test the possibility of overturning our precious choice of deleting the inconvenience from the woman's womb. Of course this last is the essential thing and comes with it the infallible Court's opinion. Nothing should seek to so uncompassionately even possess the possibility of removing this convenience. After all such a constitutional right should not even be challenged. That is the sure sign of fascism, and yes, racism, and sexism, and misogyny, and most anything else. In summation, this accusation dating back to fifth grade has gotten me to think again. We must have a truly good justice, one whose uprightness must go all the way back to his first days of day care. This is essential for the moral uprightness that we as the modern Pharisees do wish for our licentious land.